The Never Have I Ever Club Page 10

  ‘Well, then you need to try the softly-softly approach. Find a neutral space where you can start to earn her trust again.’ Will looked thoughtfully into his drink. ‘You could join our club.’

  ‘What club?’

  ‘The one me and Robyn started while you were away. The Never Have I Ever Club.’

  ‘Okay,’ Ash said slowly. ‘And what the hell’s that when it’s at home?’

  ‘A friendship group for lonely people in the village, encouraging them to try out new activities. Robyn had the idea.’

  Ash smiled. ‘Yeah, that sounds like something she’d think of. She’s fucking adorable.’

  ‘The first meeting’s in two weeks. Robyn’s booked us a team of professional masseuses. Why don’t you come? It’s mainly pensioners, but anyone’s welcome as long as they cough up the forty quid joining fee.’

  ‘Do you think Rob’ll be impressed if I join this old fogies’ club of hers then?’

  ‘No, I think she’ll be pissed off. But she can hardly kick you out, can she? And once you’re a member, you can start a charm offensive.’

  Ash narrowed one eye. ‘You know, that’s not a bad idea. Thanks, Will.’ He added a new point to his list.

  Idea #9: join the club.

  11

  Robyn looked at the papers spread over her coffee table and glowed with satisfaction. She could see what Will got out of doing this community stuff. There was nothing like the rush of wellbeing you experienced, knowing you’d worked hard to produce something for others to enjoy.

  And she had worked hard sorting everything out for the club. Heck, she even had a spreadsheet. Robyn was excessively proud of her spreadsheet.

  The bucket spreadsheet was the successor to the list they’d made at their preliminary meeting, and it was divided into four sections. The first was titled Once In A Lifetime. That was stuff like climbing Kilimanjaro, scuba diving and so on – stuff they couldn’t do as a group, but that the more tech-savvy members could help those who weren’t online find out more about. The next section was Homework Tasks. That covered long-term hobby stuff, like Will’s Spanish and Arty Johnson’s plan to write his memoirs, as well as things unique to the individual, such as Winnie’s ambition to get a tattoo.

  After that was Excursions: one-off trips they could make together. That was items like hot-air ballooning, or the Brigadier’s dream of learning to sail.

  And, finally, there was Taster Sessions – activities they could try out in meetings. In this section were things like tracing family trees, drawing, burlesque dancing, and the session Robyn had arranged for tonight: Swedish massage.

  She’d set the group subscription fee at £40 for six months’ membership, plus excursion costs, which she didn’t think was unreasonable. With nineteen members, that gave them a budget of £760 to work with for the half-year. Some taster sessions were likely to eat into that sum more than others, but Robyn was optimistic they could make it stretch.

  There was a knock at the door. Robyn swept her papers into a folder and went to answer it.

  ‘Hiya,’ she said to Freya and Eliot, who’d arranged to call on her so they could walk to the meeting together. She locked the front door and slung her satchel over one shoulder. ‘Right, let’s get this show on the road.’

  ‘Aren’t we calling on Will?’ Freya asked, nodding to the house next door.

  ‘No, Ash might answer. Anyway, he’s on kitchen duty so he’s probably already set off.’

  ‘Have you seen the evil twin since Christmas?’ Eliot said as they started walking.

  Robyn snorted. ‘I can’t get away from the bastard. Every time I leave the house, there he is. I’m currently trying the “ignore him and he’ll go away” tactic so often recommended by primary school teachers – no offence, El.’

  ‘What do you want us to do when we see him?’ Freya asked. ‘I know he pulled a real number on you, but we’ve known him a long time.’

  ‘Well, that’s up to you. Time to decide who your real friends are.’ Robyn sighed. ‘No, I don’t mean that. Just do what you’d always do. I wouldn’t want him to become a social ostrich round here; it’d upset Will.’

  ‘There’s the bigger person we know and love,’ Eliot said, giving her a squeeze.

  ‘How’s it going with Winnie then?’

  Eliot winced. ‘Yeah, great. He’s invited me to meet his parents next weekend. I’m trying not to judge too harshly the sort of people who’d name their only son Winston Prenderghast.’

  ‘You’re still doing the weird face thing.’

  ‘I know, it’s getting ridiculous. I had to tell him I’ve got a randomly occurring facial tic.’

  ‘We’ve got a plan though,’ Freya said.

  ‘Did you get him a deed poll gift set for Christmas?’ Robyn asked.

  ‘No, but I did find out his middle name,’ Eliot said, brightening. ‘Jonathan. Nice, ordinary, boring Jonathan. Never have I loved a name so much.’

  ‘So El’s just biding his time until he can work Jon or Jonny in as a pet name,’ Freya said. ‘It could solve all his weird-face-thing problems.’

  ‘Did he get his tattoo yet?’ Robyn asked.

  ‘No, he’s still doing research,’ Eliot said. ‘He can’t decide between a treble clef and a lion.’

  ‘Why a treble clef? Is he musical?’

  ‘Yeah, he plays acoustic guitar. I have to be honest, the guitar and the tattoo are going a long way towards offsetting the Winnie thing.’

  ‘What about you?’ Robyn asked Freya. ‘Any luck with Gerard?’

  ‘Course not. It’s me, isn’t it?’ she said with a shrug. ‘He was bloody awful.’

  ‘But you still shagged him.’

  ‘How’d you know that?’

  ‘Just a hunch,’ Robyn said, laughing. ‘Worth it? If he’s got four ex-wives then he must’ve had a bit of practice.’

  ‘Are you kidding? That’s probably why he’s got four ex-wives. Lazy tosser does none of the work. I was bouncing around for ages to have the world’s most forgettable orgasm, then he fell straight asleep.’

  ‘This is more than I need to know,’ Eliot said, putting his fingers in his ears.

  Freya ignored him. ‘So that’s it for The Black Widower, and it’s back to the dating drawing board we go.’ She glanced at Robyn. ‘I have got a hot prospect actually, if you’re up for it.’

  ‘Me?’

  ‘Yeah, I might’ve lined us up a pair. If you were serious when you told us you wanted to get back out there.’

  ‘What, a double date?’

  She nodded. ‘The best kind. Then if they’re duds we can sneak off and have a girls’ night out instead.’

  ‘I suppose. Who’re the lads?’

  ‘Ben and his mate Eddie from work. You’ll like Eddie – he’s got your sense of humour.’

  ‘Really? Sick bastard.’

  Freya laughed. ‘Well, it’ll help you get back in the game if nothing else.’

  ‘What does he look like?’

  ‘He’s very interesting. Excellent career prospects too. He’s top man in our creative department.’

  ‘I don’t care if he jizzes pink champagne, Frey. What does he look like?’

  ‘Well if you’re going to be shallow about it,’ Freya said, taking out her phone. ‘Here, this is his Facebook pic.’

  Robyn squinted at the photo. ‘Hmm. Bald. Face is all right though.’

  ‘So I’ll get it set up, shall I?’

  She sighed. ‘Yeah, go on. Suppose I might as well break my man-fast with someone you know as some randomer off Tinder.’

  At the hall, the staff from the massage place were setting up some pop-up beds. Members of the new group milled around chatting, or queued for drinks from Will at the kitchen hatch.

  ‘Oh Christ, no.’ Robyn groaned when she clocked Ash talking to Winnie. ‘Who the hell invited the other Proclaimer?’

  ‘Hey, he looks good with a tan, doesn’t he?’ Eliot said, casting an approving look over Ash’s toned, brown arms
.

  ‘Who cares how he looks? He’s still a twat.’

  Freya squinted. ‘What’s that he’s holding? A boomerang?’

  ‘Yep. Maybe he thought he had to bring something for show and tell.’

  Robyn glared at her ex-boyfriend from across the room. Same old Ash: smiling, friendly, like he’d done nothing wrong at all. Maybe he really believed he hadn’t, and that was why he kept trying to talk to her as if they were still mates.

  Robyn had lived next door to Ash for over twenty-five years, and she’d always known he could be a selfish, thoughtless bastard at times. Yet somehow, you couldn’t help forgiving him. Ash was just that sort of lad – too bloody likeable for his own good. More gregarious and outgoing than his twin, he’d always found it easy to make friends – to charm without effort – and so he’d got used to having things all his own way.

  It had frustrated her, yes, especially after they made the jump from friends to lovers, but in a way, she’d found it sort of cute. Whenever Ash had messed up, he’d just put on that hangdog face, scuffing his feet like an overgrown schoolboy, and no matter how mad Robyn had been with him, in the end she’d always found herself laughing.

  Until the day there was no more kissing and making up.

  The two of them had just come back from a long weekend in Venice when it happened – Ash’s treat, a surprise for their eight-month anniversary. They’d had a wonderful time, and Robyn, at least, had been blissfully happy: more in love than she’d ever been, believing Ash felt the same.

  But when she went over to Ash and Will’s place the following day in response to a text from him, there he’d been on the sofa with that face on: the one that told her he had something to confess.

  She’d tried to give him a kiss of greeting, but Ash had turned his face away.

  ‘What’s up, love?’ she’d asked, frowning. ‘Something wrong?’

  ‘Rob… I’m sorry.’

  ‘Sorry? Sorry for what?’

  ‘I… look, I know this is a total cliché but it is actually true. It’s me, not you. Stuff going on in my head.’

  ‘Ash? I don’t get it.’

  ‘I love you, Rob. You believe that, right?’

  ‘Well yeah, course I do. I love you too. Ash, please, tell me what this is all about.’

  He looked down at his feet. ‘I’m going. I have to go.’

  ‘To the office?’ She was feeling more confused by the second. ‘Okay. I wasn’t expecting us to spend the day together.’

  ‘Not to the office. To… to Australia.’

  She blinked. ‘Australia?’

  ‘I need a break, Rob. This, me and you, it’s been amazing. But it’s all happened so fast, and this weekend things just got so… intense, you know? It’s… too much. I hope we’ll still be friends.’

  ‘Friends…’ She stared at him. ‘Oh, no. No, Ash. You can’t possibly be breaking up with me.’

  ‘I just need a break,’ he muttered again.

  ‘What, in Australia?’ She felt dazed; unreal, like she was in a dream. ‘For how long?’

  ‘I don’t know. A year, maybe. As long as it takes.’

  ‘A year!’

  He took her hands. ‘Rob, I’m so sorry, but I need to do this. You understand, don’t you?’

  ‘Understand?’ She laughed in disbelief, snatching her hands away. ‘Yeah, I understand. Ash, you… you bastard! I can’t believe you’re doing this.’

  ‘Robyn, sweetheart, please don’t be like that.’

  ‘How the fuck else do you expect me to be? Christ, only this weekend you were talking about us moving in together, then all of a sudden you… why? Why today?’

  He turned his face away, looking guilty but determined. ‘I told you, it’s too much. These feelings, all these plans we’ve been making… it’s overwhelming me. I thought I was ready, but I’m not, Rob, nowhere near. I need some space to get my head together, that’s all.’

  ‘Right, then fucking take some. Take all the space you damn well like.’ She jumped up, her eyes soaking wet. ‘I’ll never forgive you for this, Ash Barnes,’ she said in a voice choked with sobs. ‘You hear me? Never.’

  *

  A tear escaped and slithered its way down Robyn’s cheek.

  ‘You okay, honey?’ Freya asked softly.

  ‘I’m fine.’ Robyn summoned a smile. ‘Sorry. Bad memories. You guys go mingle; I need a word with Will.’

  She headed to the kitchen.

  ‘Kitchen’s closed for a second,’ she told Arty Johnson, who was waiting on the other side of the hatch. ‘Full service will be resumed shortly.’ She pulled down the shutter.

  ‘All right, Barnes, explain yourself,’ she said to Will, folding her arms.

  Will looked guilty. ‘I had to tell him what we were up to, didn’t I?’

  ‘You didn’t have to invite him along!’

  ‘I didn’t exactly. I just told him what it was all about and he said he wanted to join.’

  ‘And what about what I want?’

  ‘It’s a public group, Robyn. We can’t start excluding people for no good reason.’

  ‘There is a good reason. I don’t want to have to bloody see him.’

  ‘Look, Ash treated you appallingly, I know, but you can’t just keep avoiding him. He’s still going to be living next door. And he’ll still be your friend’s brother, unless you’re planning on ditching me too.’

  ‘Hmm.’

  He sighed. ‘Robyn, I know you and Ash have got bad history, but you can’t expect me to cut him out of parts of my life. He’s my brother. And my best mate. That means I have to be in his corner no matter how wrong he was.’

  ‘All right,’ she said, her scowl lifting slightly. ‘I suppose I get that. Just keep him out of my way, can you? He seems completely oblivious to the fact I can’t stand the sight of him. Why is he always lurking outside my house?’

  ‘Because he wants to talk things over. Only he can’t because you keep blanking him.’

  ‘And that’s why he’s here, is it?’

  ‘Not just that,’ Will said. ‘But yeah, I think he was hoping you might speak to him eventually if he was somewhere you couldn’t just walk away. He does genuinely feel bad about hurting you.’

  ‘Good. He fucking should.’ She let herself smile. ‘Go on, what did he get you for Christmas?’

  ‘Replica Ramsay Street sign.’

  ‘Ha! Told you, didn’t I? Those souvenir shops can see him coming.’

  Will smiled too. ‘I know, same old Ash. Look, I’d better finish serving drinks so we can get started.’

  ‘All right. And… Will, I’m sorry for snapping. I shouldn’t take my frustration with your brother out on you.’

  ‘No, it was my fault. I should’ve warned you he was planning to come.’

  She headed back into the hall and sought out Freya and Eliot. They were standing a little distance from Winnie and Ash, earwigging on their conversation.

  ‘Listen to this, Rob,’ Freya whispered.

  ‘… yeah, I got it out in Oz,’ Ash was saying, his T-shirt rolled up to expose the lizard tattoo on his arm. ‘The local girl I was seeing told me about this thing called the Dreamtime. It’s the Aboriginal belief that all creation and knowledge was born during a time of dreaming in the ancient past. The lizard represents one of their original totemic ancestors.’

  ‘Is that what the Dreamtime is?’ Robyn whispered.

  Freya shook her head. ‘No, it’s what mugs like Ash think it is after picking up pseudo-spiritual bollocks in dodgy tourist traps.’

  ‘Jesus,’ Eliot muttered. ‘He’s a thirty-five-year-old gap year bore. That is tragic.’

  ‘Would you look at the flash git, all aglow with melanin and cultural appropriation,’ Robyn said, scowling. ‘He couldn’t just let me have this one little thing for myself, could he?’

  Winnie was examining Ash’s tattoo with interest.

  ‘Did it hurt?’ he asked.

  ‘Well yeah, I mean, it was two hours under the
needle. But you just have to grin and bear it, you know?’ Ash caught sight of Robyn. ‘Ah, there’s my friend. Nice to meet you, Winnie.’

  ‘He’d better not be thinking of getting himself inked with any kind of tribal art,’ Eliot said. ‘He’ll never pull it off, not with that name.’

  ‘Rob. Hiya,’ Ash said when he joined them. ‘And guys. How’ve you all been?’

  ‘Hi, Ash.’ Eliot shook his hand. ‘Good, ta. Nice to have you back.’

  Robyn shot him a look.

  ‘What?’ he whispered. ‘You told us to be polite to him.’

  Freya restricted herself to a curt nod. ‘Ash.’

  ‘What’re you doing here, Ash?’ Robyn demanded.

  ‘Will told me about it and I thought it sounded like fun. And rewarding and everything, helping the old folk make friends. I can help out as well if you want me to, make the tea or whatever.’

  ‘We’ve got all the help we need, thanks.’

  ‘I can come to meetings though, can’t I? You won’t mind?’

  ‘Yes I bloody will. But since there’s not really much I can do about it, and since I’m still pretty fond of your brother, then I guess you can come along. Just stay out of my way, all right?’

  ‘Um, Ash,’ Freya said. ‘If you don’t mind me asking, why’ve you got that boomerang?’

  ‘Oh, right, yeah. I got it for Robyn.’ He held it out to her. ‘It’s a proper one, hand-carved. I was thinking about you while I was out there, you know.’

  ‘Mmm, very apt. You chuck it away, but the damn thing just keeps coming back.’ Robyn pushed it back at him. ‘I don’t want a boomerang, Ash. In fact, if you can find a workable angle, you’re quite welcome to shove it where the sun doesn’t shine.’

  ‘Come on, Rob, don’t be like that. We can be civil, can’t we? We’ve known each other most of our lives.’

  ‘And yet you still hurt me like that didn’t matter, didn’t you? Humiliated me, made me feel like an idiot for ever believing you loved me? I’d have thought our long friendship alone would’ve…’ She shook her head. ‘Ugh, why am I engaging with you? I’m not doing this now, I’ve got a meeting to run. In fact, I’m not doing this ever. Go away, Ash.’

  ‘Can’t we talk? Not here, but at home or somewhere? I’m sorry, Rob, truly.’ He nodded to Will as he entered the hall. ‘He’ll tell you.’