The Never Have I Ever Club Read online

  ‘Maybe that’s the problem,’ Freya said. ‘Forbidden fruit can be pretty tempting. Look what happened to those Garden of Eden chappies.’

  ‘Exactly. Nothing pleasant.’ Robyn shook her head, frowning. ‘Ugh. Bloody stupid thing to do. I just hope I haven’t killed nearly thirty years of friendship with one idiotic kiss.’

  ‘Did Will kiss you back?’

  ‘Course he didn’t.’ She felt a stab of pain when she remembered his face. ‘He looked appalled actually.’

  ‘And now you’re not talking.’

  ‘Oh no, we’re talking. He’s the same as ever when I bump into him, teasing and jolly and… lovely.’ She lowered her voice as the hall came into view. ‘But he did ask if I’d stay away from him for a while. Not in a mean way, just sort of sounding all upset. I think he’s worried he’s betraying Ash by hanging out with me now I’ve made things weird. Like suddenly we’re not just these platonic mates any more, we’re… something else. What should I do about it, guys?’

  ‘Hmm. It is a tough one,’ Eliot said. ‘That’s the thing with a kiss. It’s easy enough to do on the spur of the moment, but you can never take it back.’

  ‘Tonight’s the first time you’ll be spending time with him since it happened then?’ Freya said.

  Robyn nodded.

  ‘Just act like you always would, that’s my advice. Pretend it never happened. Hopefully he’ll take his cue from you and you can start getting your friendship back on track.’

  ‘Yeah,’ Robyn said, feeling a wave of sadness for some reason. ‘I guess that is the best idea.’

  ‘Is he definitely coming?’

  She smiled. ‘I’d be surprised if he wasn’t. Ash is going to need all the moral support he can get.’

  *

  ‘Remind me again why I agreed to this,’ Ash muttered from inside a cubicle in the Gents’ toilets at Kettlewick Village Hall.

  ‘Because you’re doing a far, far better thing than you have ever done,’ Will said. ‘Enduring the ultimate humiliation to prove yourself to the woman you love. Trial by nudity.’

  ‘Pass us my robe then. I’m not getting naked in front of that lot until I absolutely have to.’

  Will slung Ash’s bathrobe over the door.

  ‘You should be flattered,’ he said. ‘Eighteen people, all salivating for your bare flesh. Brother, this could be the greatest night of your life.’

  ‘You’re enjoying this, aren’t you, you twat?’

  Will grinned. ‘Time of my life, mate. Come on, out you come. England expects every man to do his duty.’

  He whipped off a salute as the cubicle opened and Ash appeared in his bathrobe.

  ‘I didn’t see you jumping up and down waving your hand in the air when Rob was trying to recruit someone,’ Ash said, glaring at him.

  ‘No can do. Ethics of my profession.’

  ‘Oh please. I know you just use that as an excuse when you don’t want to do something.’

  ‘Just you remember when you’re up there, unsexy thoughts,’ Will said, wagging a finger. ‘We don’t want this to be another massage night.’

  ‘Don’t worry, I’ve been stashing unsexiness away all week. I spent two hours watching old episodes of the Antiques Roadshow this morning.’ Ash glanced towards his crotch. ‘Still, I wouldn’t put it past the perverse little bastard to pop up again, just to really put the seal on my humiliation.’

  ‘Extra humiliation ought to help your case with Robyn, at least.’

  ‘No, Will, it’ll just cement my reputation as the sort of pervert who can’t walk into a village hall without getting a stonking hard-on.’

  Eliot’s head appeared round the door. ‘Ah, there you two are. Ash, Rob was worried you’d wimped out and hidden under the bed. Are you ready?’

  ‘I was born ready, El,’ Ash said. ‘I mean, insofar as I had no clothes on then either.’

  ‘So, is this your bucket list contribution – your selfless act?’ Eliot asked. ‘Are you giving the world the gift of your amazing willy?’

  ‘Just a select and privileged few.’ Ash groaned. ‘A select and privileged few who include both my old nursery teacher and Akela from Cubs. Fuck me, I literally just thought of that.’

  ‘Well, hopefully Robyn’ll give you extra credit for it,’ Will said.

  ‘She’d better.’ He sighed. ‘Come on then, let’s get this nightmare over with.’

  Ash and Will followed Eliot back into the hall, where club members were starting to congregate. Nineteen easels had been set up in a horseshoe, with a shabby chaise longue as their focal point. The woman who ran the art group, Margery, was arranging a sheet over it to create a classical draped effect – although this was rather spoiled by the sheet’s twee floral pattern.

  Robyn spotted the Barnes brothers and came over.

  ‘Ash, thank God. I thought you’d dropped me right in it when you were nowhere to be seen.’

  ‘Hey. A Barnes’ word is his bond.’ He glanced at the easels and grimaced. ‘More’s the pity.’

  Robyn flashed Will a smile that was as warm as she could make it. ‘Hi, Will. Nice to see you, love.’

  She hesitated, then stood on tiptoes to give him a peck on the cheek. That was how they always greeted each other, after all. Freya was right. If she wanted to banish any lingering awkwardness, it needed to be business as usual.

  ‘Heyup, Bloomy,’ he said, smiling back. He didn’t seem embarrassed, at least, although the jovial tone sounded a little forced. Maybe everything could just go back to normal, and the kiss… she really needed to forget about that kiss. Nothing good could come of dwelling on it.

  ‘So that’s it, is it, Rob?’ Ash said, nodding to the chaise longue. ‘The deathbed of my dignity?’

  ‘Oh, give over,’ Robyn said, grinning. ‘It’ll be fun.’

  ‘Fun for you lot,’ he grumbled.

  ‘Well, thanks for volunteering. See, I’m so grateful I haven’t even insulted you.’

  He smiled. ‘That is progress, I suppose. What do I have to do then?’

  ‘You’d better go ask Margery.’

  ‘Right.’ Ash went to meet his fate.

  ‘Will, you can grab yourself an easel,’ Robyn said, forcing herself to hold eye contact. ‘I’m skipping the pre-meeting catch-up.’

  Will snorted. ‘You don’t think I’m drawing him? I’m just here for moral support.’

  ‘Why not? It’s only the same as a self-portrait for you two, isn’t it?’

  ‘Look, Bloom, I don’t know how you think I like to kick back after a long day at the surgery, but I can promise it doesn’t involve sitting starkers in front of the bedroom mirror painting watercolours of my knob.’

  Robyn laughed. ‘Now there’s an image.’

  ‘What would I do with a sketch of Ash naked anyway? People already think identical twins are a bit creepy. The last thing we need is to start drawing pictures of each other’s genitals and hanging them over the mantelpiece.’

  ‘Fine, you can hide in the kitchen. Freya’s in there now; go tell her you’re taking over drinks duty.’

  ‘Cheers.’ He looked around the crowded room. ‘Told you everyone’d be back, didn’t I? And you all worried the club was doomed.’

  ‘I know. I never realised Ash in the nude would be such a draw.’ She hesitated, then gave his arm a squeeze. ‘I’ll see you later.’

  When everyone was there who was coming, Robyn clapped her hands. She felt a surge of pride when the chatter stopped instantly and all eyes turned to her. Three months ago, at the preliminary meeting, she’d been terrified of addressing such a big group, but now it seemed to come easily. People actually respected her, like a proper leader.

  That was weird.

  ‘Right,’ she said when there was silence. ‘Thanks for coming, all of you, and thanks to Felicity for tonight’s session suggestion: life drawing.’

  A few people turned to look at Felicity when her name was mentioned, and there was a low murmur of sympathy. It looked like her news w
as out to pretty much everyone in Kettlewick now. But Felicity just smiled.

  ‘We’re going to skip our usual catch-up to give you more time to focus on your drawings,’ Robyn said. ‘If you want to grab yourselves an easel then Margery will talk us through where to start.’ She paused. ‘I suppose I should thank Ash as well, for volunteering to model. Er, do behave yourselves, won’t you? Be gentle with the lad, he’s got a tough enough job as it is.’ She smiled at her aunt. ‘That means you, Fliss.’

  She laughed. ‘I can’t make any promises.’

  Robyn went to claim the easel Freya had saved between her and her brother. Winnie had taken the one on Eliot’s other side.

  She nudged Freya. ‘Look at Ash, he’s totally lost his cool. Ha!’

  ‘What happened to being gentle with him?’ Freya whispered back.

  ‘Well obviously I didn’t mean me.’ She grinned. ‘I’ve been looking forward to this. Revenge is a dish best served naked.’

  ‘Now, dear, there’s no need to be shy,’ Margery told a furiously blushing Ash. ‘We’re all adults, and I think the ladies among us are old enough to have seen a naked man at some point in our lives, aren’t we, girls? Of course we are.’

  ‘Not me,’ Felicity announced primly. ‘Never touch the stuff.’ The Brigadier gave an appreciative snort.

  ‘So, er, how do you want me, Margery?’ Ash asked, nodding to the sheet-shrouded chaise longue. A wave of muffled titters swept the room.

  ‘I think a classical reclining pose, don’t you? Yes.’ Margery seemed to have a penchant for answering her own questions. ‘If you’d like to lie on your side with one arm over the back, then you can hand me your robe and we’ll make a start.’

  ‘How long do I have to stay here?’ Ash asked as he lay down.

  ‘I was thinking we’d keep going till half past eight. That leaves half an hour for everyone to have tea and a chat before the end.’

  Ash’s eyes widened. ‘What, you want me to lie here with my wedding tackle on display for a full hour and a quarter?’

  ‘Well, yes. Is that going to be a problem?’

  He caught Robyn’s eye and sighed. ‘No. No, it’s no problem.’

  With great reluctance Ash removed his robe and handed it to Margery. Awkwardly he tried to arrange his nude six-two frame into as classical a pose as he could manage on the little chaise longue, doing his best to think unsexy thoughts – not too difficult with the eyes of eighteen mostly elderly Kettlewickians fixed on him. A whole group of people he’d never expected to have to show his dangly bits to, people he’d known nearly all his life, were now staring at him in mute fascination. He just bloody hoped Robyn appreciated the level of humiliation he was enduring for her.

  ‘Oh, now hasn’t he grown?’ he heard Mrs Jeffries, his old nursery teacher, whisper to Linda Cockburn. He stifled a groan.

  27

  ‘I am loving this,’ Robyn whispered to Freya. ‘I bet he doesn’t put a photo of this on his Instagram. Look at his little cheeks – they’re like tomatoes.’

  ‘No one’s looking at his cheeks, honey.’ Freya stood on tiptoes to see if she could get a back view. ‘At least, not the ones on top.’

  ‘You kept that quiet, didn’t you, Rob?’ Eliot said.

  ‘Eh? What?’

  ‘Well.’ He nodded to Ash’s naked figure. ‘You know.’

  She shook her head. ‘Can you two stop leering at my ex-boyfriend? The purpose of tonight’s meeting is to appreciate the aesthetics of the human form, not for you guys to get your rocks off at Ash’s expense.’

  ‘We are appreciating his aesthetics,’ Freya said. ‘I never realised Ash had such a great set of aesthetics until tonight.’

  ‘Now. First of all, we need to plan our compositions,’ Margery announced. ‘I want you all to take one of your lightest pencils and faintly, very faintly, sketch an outline.’ She gestured along Ash’s body. ‘Think carefully about proportion, the blend of light and shade…’

  As Margery droned on about light sources and depth of shadow, Robyn reached into the pencil tin she was sharing with Freya and selected a 9H.

  She ought really to have an advantage in this session, since she’d had more opportunities to study the model’s nude form than anyone else in the room. Not to mention the fact her grandad had been a portrait painter, so she should have genetics on her side too. But for all that, her Ash outline still looked more like a saveloy than a human man.

  ‘It’s a shame you couldn’t get a woman, Robyn,’ Winnie said. ‘Girls look good with no clothes on, all those curvy bits. Whereas boys always look a little… well, last turkey in the shop.’

  ‘You’ve never quite got the hang of being gay, have you, Win?’ Eliot said.

  He shrugged. ‘I haven’t heard you putting in any complaints.’

  ‘You will if you start slagging off my bits whenever you’re lucky enough for me to get them out.’

  ‘Penises are all very well when they’re, you know, doing their thing.’ Winnie peered at Ash and swapped his light pencil for a couple of shades darker. ‘They’re not much to look at when they’re just flopping about feeling sorry for themselves though, are they?’

  ‘Oh God, don’t say that,’ Robyn said, stifling a giggle. ‘You’ll jinx the poor lad. I’m assuming that look of intense concentration means he’s doing his best to think about wallpapering or something.’

  Eliot squinted at Ash. ‘Here, has he shaved himself?’

  Robyn looked too. ‘Oh yeah. Good of him to go to so much effort.’

  ‘What a pity you couldn’t get him and Will to model together,’ Freya said. ‘That’d be well hot, nude twins.’

  ‘Again, Frey, you’re supposed to be studying the male form, not having a letch.’ Robyn shrugged. ‘Anyway, if you’re that excited by the idea, just draw Ash twice.’

  Freya shot an interested glance through the kitchen hatch, where Will could be seen washing up cups and saucers.

  ‘Hey, are Will and Ash really completely identical?’ she whispered to Robyn.

  ‘Well yeah, obviously.’

  ‘I mean, completely identical? In every respect?’

  ‘That is what identical means, Frey, yes.’

  ‘Makes you wonder why Will’s been single as long as he has,’ she said. ‘Shame you didn’t tell me before.’

  ‘You’re not going after Will now? What about sweet, shaggable Ben?’

  She shrugged. ‘It’s not like we’ve signed an exclusivity contract. We’ve only had one date.’

  Robyn shook her head. ‘Don’t even think about it. Things are awkward enough between me, Will and Ash without you jumping into the middle of the triangle with your tits out.’

  ‘All right, I’m only kidding. Speaking of tits, pass us a 2B, can you? That’ll do for his nipples.’

  *

  Margery had started strolling around the room, examining the sketches. Ash subtly tried to change his position. His arse was going numb.

  ‘Now, highlights and shadow, dear,’ he heard her say to Felicity. ‘Only by blending the two can the perfect composition be achieved, do you see? And do make sure you’re paying close attention to the length and girth of the limbs.’

  Ash noticed Felicity’s smirk and fought back a grimace. Cracks about length and girth while he reclined on a chaise longue with everything hanging out were more than he could bear.

  From the corner of his eye he could see Freya whispering to Robyn, who was staring right at him. Well, they were all staring right at him, but Robyn was the only one deliberately making direct eye contact and grinning. She was enjoying this; he could tell.

  For days he’d been giving himself pep talks in the mirror in readiness for this. Reminding himself what was at stake, reinforcing the point that after a short period of embarrassment it’d all be over. What he hadn’t reckoned on, he reflected as his gaze wandered from easel to easel, was that there’d be eighteen pictures of his cock bobbing about the village afterwards. Eighteen naked Ashes, preserved for poster
ity. They’d probably become family heirlooms and end up in the National Portrait Gallery. Surely that had to balance out even his ill-judged fling with Melinda, didn’t it?

  By the time the clock hands were inching towards half-eight, Ash could sense that the novelty of his nudity had worn off a bit. The looks coming his way now were more academically appraising than they had been at the start; the muffled titters had stopped, replaced by the sound of scratching pencils. Finally, Margery announced that their time was up.

  Ash didn’t even allow himself the luxury of a sigh of relief before snatching up his robe. Avoiding eye contact with anyone, he almost ran in the direction of the Gents and a full set of body-covering clothes.

  *

  In the hall, Robyn instructed Freya to free up Will from kitchen duty then sought out the Brigadier.

  ‘This is interesting, Norman,’ she said, examining the picture on his easel.

  ‘Do you think so, my dear? I was rather proud of the banana.’

  ‘It is a good banana. You do know we were doing life drawing though? Why’ve you drawn a bowl of fruit?’

  ‘Young lady, I’ve known Ashley Barnes since I bounced him and his brother on my knees as infants. Their mother was a very dear friend of my daughter’s. Not that I’m embarrassed, you understand, but I thought I’d spare the boy one more indignity.’

  Robyn laughed. ‘You’re all heart. Can we talk a minute?’

  ‘If you wish.’

  She took his elbow and guided him away from the group.

  ‘Any progress?’ she asked in a low voice.

  He sighed. ‘I’m afraid not. I went through all of the information leaflets with her. Begged her to reconsider. I’d have gone down on my knees if I thought it might help. But your aunt’s a stubborn old thing when she sets her mind to something, Robyn, as I’m sure you’re aware.’

  ‘I know, I couldn’t get anywhere with her either,’ Robyn said, casting a morose glance at Felicity. ‘Mum, Dad, Aunty Connie: we’ve all had a go. She just puts her fingers in her ears and pops a few more of those useless pills.’

  The Brigadier scowled at the floor.

  ‘It’s the unfairness of it,’ he muttered. ‘I spent most of my life looking for a woman who could make me feel the way Felicity does. And now almost as soon as I’ve found her, fate intends to snatch her away again. Where’s the justice in it? That’s what I should like to know.’