The Never Have I Ever Club Read online

  She gave Robyn’s arm a supportive squeeze as she passed.

  ‘Fuck, Will, what is it?’ Robyn said in a low voice. ‘If you’re here in person it can’t be good.’

  ‘Robyn, calm down. It’s fine. Everything’s fine.’

  ‘Fine? What, fine as in…’

  ‘Nothing abnormal found. If it happens again, I’ll arrange an ultrasound, but I’d say it was almost certainly a one-off.’

  ‘You mean it? I’m okay?’

  ‘Yep. One hundred per cent healthy.’

  ‘Arghh! Seriously?’ She flung her arms around him, laughing with relief. ‘Oh my God, I was so frightened.’

  He gave her a squeeze. ‘I know you were.’

  She let her body relax against Will’s reassuring bulk as relief surged through her. He had a lovely, faintly medical smell when he’d come from work: not the harsh, chemical scent of antiseptic, but soft and comforting, like baby powder.

  ‘Why didn’t I get a text?’ she asked.

  He smiled. ‘Because you’re a total divvy, aren’t you? What mobile number did you give Mrs Sykes?’

  ‘Well, mine. Didn’t I?’

  ‘Yes, yours. Your old one.’

  ‘Oh God, you’re kidding.’ She groaned. ‘I passed my old Galaxy on to Frey and Eliot’s mum when I changed networks.’

  ‘Then Mrs Miller’s probably wondering why she got an unsolicited text message last week complimenting her on her lovely, healthy cervix.’ He released her from the hug. ‘So it was all your fault, Bloom. And you blaming the well-oiled machinery of my surgery.’

  ‘I’m furious with myself. I was so panicked about what might be wrong, I must’ve reeled it off without thinking.’ She glanced up. ‘How come you didn’t just ring me?’

  ‘Well. You looked so worried yesterday, I wanted to deliver the news in person.’

  She smiled. ‘Thanks, Will. You’ve been an angel this past couple of days. I’m really so sorry.’

  ‘Sorry for what?’

  ‘For being such a dick,’ she said, flushing. ‘You know, since Ash left.’

  ‘Don’t be daft, you’ve been no such thing.’

  Robyn rubbed her neck, remembering all the times she’d hidden in the house to avoid talking to him out on the drive. The times she’d pretended not to notice him in the street, and crossed the road so they wouldn’t bump into each other.

  ‘I have though. Going out of my way to avoid you.’

  ‘So you were avoiding me.’

  ‘You knew I was,’ she muttered. ‘It wasn’t fair, when you’d done nothing to deserve it. I just couldn’t see you without thinking of…’

  ‘Ash. Yeah, I know.’

  ‘I’m sorry, Will. I know you’re not your brother. It’s just he hurt me a lot, and… well, you really look like him.’

  ‘Mmm. Funny, that.’

  ‘Do you forgive me?’

  ‘Yes, I get it. I don’t like it, but I get it.’ He held out a hand with an air of manly frankness that made her laugh. ‘Shake and make up.’

  ‘I’m almost glad this happened, despite the weeks of worry,’ she said, shaking his hand. ‘At least it’s made us proper friends again.’

  ‘It’s good to have you back, Bloom.’

  She smiled. ‘Why do you always call me by my last name? Ash never did.’

  ‘Dunno,’ Will said, shrugging. ‘When we were kids it was mainly to wind you up, but as time went by… I guess it just seemed to suit you.’

  ‘Hey. When was that thing you asked if I was free for?’

  ‘The pensioners’ do? Next Wednesday, why?’

  ‘You know, it just so happens I’m available next Wednesday after all,’ she said with a smile.

  ‘Seriously? If you could pitch in for an hour or two, it’d be greatly appreciated.’

  ‘After last night, I’d say that’s the least I owe you. Tell you what, I’ll see if I can rope in Eliot and Freya too. How does that sound?’

  ‘It sounds great. Thanks, Bloomy.’

  *

  Once Will had gone, Robyn went to give the good news to Felicity, then rang Freya.

  ‘What’s up, Rob?’ her friend said. ‘I’m at work.’

  ‘I know. Something important to tell you.’

  ‘Your results! Did you get them?’

  ‘Yes, and it’s fine. Will stopped by to tell me everything’s working properly down south after all.’

  Freya exhaled slowly. ‘Oh, thank God.’

  ‘I know, I’m so relieved.’ Robyn grimaced. ‘And Frey, if your mum got any texts about her bits recently, could you ask her not to call the police?’

  ‘You didn’t give them your old number?’

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘You plum,’ Freya said, laughing. ‘So all that worry was for nothing.’

  ‘I know, I could kick myself. This fortnight’s been the worst of my life. Well, with the possible exception of the two weeks after Ash fucked off.’

  ‘Listen, I’ve got to go; my boss is giving me evils. You can tell us all about it in the pub tonight, eh? I’m glad you’re okay, Rob.’

  ‘Frey, wait, before you hang up. Are you and El free next Wednesday night?’

  ‘What for?’

  ‘I promised Will I’d help out at the pensioners’ Christmas party. Would you guys keep me company?’

  ‘Sorry, we’ve got family commitments.’

  ‘Yeah?’ Robyn said suspiciously. ‘You never normally have family commitments. What is it?’

  ‘We’re going bowling. Dad’s idea.’

  ‘Come on, Frey, they’re dead short-handed. And Will’s been so good this last couple of days, I owe him a favour. I know it sounds dull but help us out, eh?’

  ‘Honestly, honey, it’s not an excuse. We really are going bowling,’ Freya said. ‘Look, I’ll see you tonight and we’ll raise a glass to fully functioning lady parts.’

  Robyn glanced towards the door, where four teenagers had just come in.

  ‘Okay. Bye, Frey.’

  She hung up and turned to the kids.

  ‘Hi, guys,’ she said with a smile. ‘Can I help?’

  There was some frantic whispering among the group, then one of them was pushed forward.

  ‘Um, how much is it to come in?’ the boy asked in a voice croaking with puberty.

  ‘Two pounds each for under-sixteens.’

  There was more whispering, and a smothered giggle.

  ‘My little cousin reckons there’s a creepy cat in here with three heads what’s like off Pet Sematary,’ the lad said.

  Robyn smiled. ‘Laurie, by any chance?’

  ‘Yeah, that’s my cousin.’ He put a handful of coins down on her desk. ‘Can we see your cat then, Miss?’

  ‘Sure. Come upstairs, I’ll give you the tour.’

  Good old Cerberpus. The old girl’s ghoulish allure had been single-handedly – and triple-headedly – keeping Kettlewick Castle in business for the past seven decades.

  *

  The following Wednesday, Robyn put on her best Christmas jumper and headed for the village hall.

  It was a shame Freya and Eliot couldn’t make it. Obviously, it couldn’t be helped that they’d already made plans, but Robyn did feel she owed Will for the way he’d looked after her when she’d been so worried about her test results. She’d have liked to be able to provide a couple more volunteers.

  Plus, she had to admit, she felt a little awkward being alone with him. Before Ash had left, her friendship group had always formed into sets that dated back to schooldays, with Robyn providing the link between her two best friends and the boys who lived next door. Robyn, Freya and Eliot. Robyn, Will and Ash. Robyn, Will, Ash, Freya and Eliot. And eventually, after they’d started dating, Robyn and Ash. But it had hardly ever been just Robyn and Will. She didn’t know if it felt weird because Will was her ex’s brother or because he was his double, but she’d have preferred some other friends in the mix.

  Not that Robyn thought Will might try it on or anything.
God, no. They’d been the most platonic of friends for years. She also knew that as much as his twin pissed him off at times, Will was loyal to Ash above all things and would as soon make a pass at her Aunty Fliss as his brother’s ex. It was more what people might think if they heard the two of them had been spending time alone together. Kettlewick was like any small community for tittle-tattle, and in Will’s line of work… well, rumours the village doctor was having it off with his twin’s ex-girlfriend were the last thing he needed.

  It was the first week in December and Christmas had hit Kettlewick with a vengeance. Every shop window was a horror of plastic holly, stuffed robins and spray-on snow. Normally Robyn loved this time of year – she was always the first to get the tree up and Elf in the DVD player, and after her recent brush with mortality she’d have expected to appreciate the sparkle more than ever. But it wasn’t giving her the jollies the way it usually did. Perhaps it was the thought of spending Christmas alone.

  For the second year in a row, her parents had decided to abandon the park home on the outskirts of Robin Hood’s Bay that they’d moved into four years ago and spend the festive period with friends in Tuscany. Last year Robyn had joined Ash and Will for a family Christmas at their grandparents’ place in Kettlewick’s neighbouring village of Longcliffe, but this year it was just her, alone in the house she’d once shared with her parents. She wasn’t sure she could even summon the enthusiasm to cook. Maybe she’d just neck a turkey Pot Noodle and leave it at that.

  The village hall was tucked away up a side street, not far from the centre of the village where the cenotaph stood. Robyn had soon passed the post office, the pub, the Maypole hotel and restaurant, and was about to carry on to the hall when she stopped short.

  Had she just seen what she thought she had? She retraced her steps and stared in at the window of the Maypole.

  ‘I don’t believe it,’ she muttered. ‘I’ll bloody kill him!’

  She marched in and strode to a table by the window.

  ‘So,’ she said, folding her arms.

  ‘Um.’ Eliot looked up from his steak with a guilty grimace. ‘Hi, Rob.’

  ‘Having fun bowling, are we?’

  ‘Ah. Yes. About that—’

  ‘And who’s this, apart from a massive breach of club rules?’ she said, turning to look at the man sitting opposite him.

  ‘Hello.’ The man managed a smile, despite his evident confusion. ‘Are you a friend of Eliot’s?’

  ‘I used to be.’ She stared for a moment, then pointed a finger at him. ‘Hey! I know you.’

  ‘Do you?’

  ‘Yeah, you’re Gentle Ben’s brother.’

  The man blinked. ‘Sorry?’

  ‘Are you or are you not called Winnie?’

  ‘Well, yes.’

  ‘Winnie, I’m so sorry about this,’ Eliot said. ‘Just give me a second while I have a word with my friend here.’

  He took Robyn by the elbow and marched her to the bar area.

  ‘You are in so much trouble, Eliot Miller,’ Robyn said, prodding him in the chest. ‘Freya’s going to bust a vein when she hears you’ve broken club rules.’

  ‘Er, yeah. I don’t think she will actually.’

  Robyn frowned. ‘What?’

  He nodded in the direction of the Boon Companions. ‘She’s in the pub with that bloke Bradley. The lawnmower collector, remember?’

  ‘What?’

  He sighed. ‘Well, come on. Being happily single is all well and good, but given the opportunity not to die celibate and alone, we were obviously going to jump on it.’

  ‘Why didn’t you tell me that’s where you were going instead of feeding me that bollocks about bowling?’

  ‘It just seemed a bit cruel, rubbing dates in your face when we know you’re still struggling to get over Ash.’

  ‘I’m not struggling to get over him, I am over him,’ Robyn said, crossing her arms. ‘I’m so far over him I’m on the other side of the bloody world to him, both literally and figuratively. I’d probably have forgotten what he looked like by now, if it wasn’t for his stupid slappable face still being attached to the other boy next door.’

  ‘Right. Course you would.’

  ‘I would so.’ She sighed. ‘Well, I’m sorry I weirded out your date. But really, El, you didn’t need to lie.’

  ‘To be fair, I wasn’t expecting to get caught.’

  She glanced at Winnie topping up his wine from the bottle he and Eliot were sharing. ‘What’s he like then?’

  ‘Surprisingly normal,’ Eliot said. ‘He’s not even posh. Named after his grandad – his great-nana was a big Churchill fan. I must admit though, I do die a bit inside every time I have to say his name.’

  ‘That should make the sex interesting.’

  He smiled. ‘I might be in a position to let you know later.’

  ‘What, on a first date?’ She shook her head. ‘Slut.’

  His face wrinkled apologetically. ‘Second actually. Sorry.’

  ‘What about Freya?’

  ‘First for her.’

  ‘Traitors, the pair of you.’ She sighed. ‘Well, I’m not such a bitter, cynical old spinster that I can’t be happy for you. I just hope Bradley’s not boring Frey to tears with his lawnmower collection.’

  ‘That’s why she opted for a drink rather than a meal. Easier to do a runner if he starts showing her slideshows of his favourite Flymo.’ He gave her arm a squeeze. ‘Sorry for not being up front with you, Rob. We knew you’d been wobbly lately, what with Ash and this health scare, and… well, we didn’t want to upset you.’

  ‘Oh, forget about it. Go have a good time with Winnie.’

  ‘Thanks, love.’ He kissed her cheek. ‘I’ll see you tomorrow at the pub. Looks like we’ll need to start a new club.’

  ‘I know. And I’d just finalised that badge design too.’ She patted his shoulder. ‘Right, enjoy your date. I’m off to spend the night with a man who’s got a lovely personality and a face I instinctively want to slap.’

  6

  Will looked up from wiping down worktops in the village hall kitchen to glance at the door.

  Robyn was late. Only by fifteen minutes, but still, he couldn’t help worrying.

  After months of barely seeing each other, he really thought they’d made a breakthrough when he’d supported her through her health scare; that their friendship was finally getting back to where it had been before Ash did a bunk. She’d even invited him to join Freya’s club of the moment at the pub tomorrow evening.

  She hadn’t had second thoughts about tonight, surely? Started avoiding him again?

  Of course, he understood how the poor cow must be feeling. Ash had broken her heart the day he’d called a sudden halt to their eight-month relationship and jetted off to the other side of the world. Less than four weeks later, he’d given the thumbscrews another turn when he’d jumped into bed with Melinda.

  Poor old Bloomy. For months afterwards, every time Will had seen her out on the drive, she looked like she’d been crying. He’d longed to give her a hug, comfort her, as he had plenty of times before when she’d been upset. But this time… there was always that slight wince, the pain in her eyes reminding him that all she could see when she looked at Will, all she’d ever be able to see, was Ash.

  He hadn’t realised how much he’d come to care for his friend and neighbour until his brother’s premature midlife crisis had driven a wedge between them. They’d been mates a long time, and he’d always enjoyed Robyn’s company, but… perhaps sometimes you needed to lose something to realise just how much it meant to have it in your life.

  That seemed to be the conclusion Ash had come to as well. Will hadn’t been able to get hold of him since their conversation the day Robyn had given him a makeover, so he still didn’t know if that had been the drink talking, but he was glad his brother was finally starting to wake up to some of his poor choices.

  Will just couldn’t fathom what Ash had been thinking. When Ash and Robyn had made
the jump from friends to lovers, he’d genuinely believed that the pair of them were sorted, life-partner-wise. He couldn’t imagine anyone who’d be a better match for his brother than the girl next door: funny, beautiful, unique Robyn Bloom, who they’d known since they were eight years old. To throw her aside for a trip to Australia and a casual fling with a younger woman… Ash must’ve been out of his mind.

  He wasn’t sure how he felt about the idea of Ash and Robyn getting back together. Could that happen, now? Ash had hurt Robyn a lot; too much for her to ever fully get over it, probably, no matter how much he regretted it. And while it sounded like his brother was finally doing some badly needed assessment of his choices, his selfish streak wasn’t likely to disappear overnight. Will would hate to see Robyn hurt by Ash again, and possibly lose her friendship a second time.

  And… and where the hell was Robyn, anyway?

  He exhaled with relief when the kitchen door opened and she walked in.

  ‘You took your time,’ he said. ‘I was worried you’d decided not to come.’

  ‘Wouldn’t let you down, would I?’ She approached to greet him with a peck on the cheek, and he smiled at her.

  ‘No, sorry. Paranoid, that’s all. That you might have decided… well, never mind. Where’ve you been then?’

  ‘Disbanding The Happy Singles Club.’

  ‘Eh?’

  ‘My traitor mates are both out on dates tonight. I caught Eliot in the Maypole with some bloke off Match.com.’

  ‘Well that’s disappointing, when I was all geared up for my first meeting tomorrow.’

  ‘Yeah, sorry about that. You’re still welcome to join us for pub night though.’ She shook her head. ‘Can you believe those guys? They told me they were going bowling.’

  ‘Oh, sod them. Us two are going to have oodles of fun.’ He chucked her an apron. ‘Put that on and we’ll get a roll-buttering chain gang going.’

  ‘You and me must have very different ideas about what constitutes fun, Will.’ She pulled the apron on and went to wash her hands. ‘How did you get roped into this anyway?’

  ‘The Brigadier collared me in the surgery. I got the general idea that if I didn’t agree to help, he’d have me court-martialled for insubordination.’